I Have a Lot of Pain

I have a lot of pain in me.
Sometimes it is very quiet, almost silent. Sometimes it gets itchy and uncomfortable. Today it is another type of pain. In English it’s described as a dull or nagging, but I think that the Russian translation is better, it is more poetic and visceral. Noyushaya. Translated as crying, whining or complaining.

So, my pain today is crying. I can feel it somewhere in the chest. It is as heavy as cast iron. If I let it grow bigger, occupy my body and my mind, it will become suffocating. The pain will go up my chest, climb the rib cage, jump over the collarbone, end up in my throat, and suffocate me. With its weight and with the tears it brings along, even the vocal cords kneel before it.

I can not say a word, can not give an explanation. I don’t want to, I don’t need to. I am reaching for my typewriter to give it space.

I want to take it out, to be honest. It is very heavy, it wants me to lay. To sit in an embryo pose holding my knees in my hands. I should surrender and obey.

But I don’t really want to. I don’t need to, I don’t need it sitting in me. I don’t want to be paralysed, restrained and limited.

My lungs do expand. My vocal cords are ready to vibrate. My chest is free from iron weight. And, finally, my hands are moving in a beautiful and chaotic dance around the typewriter. I am letting it go for now, hoping to never meet again