On Mediocrity: A Prologue

If there is anything I want to clarify, it’s that this piece is not going to be a flattering one. It’s not going to be one about the chaotic and tumultuous journey that shaped someone less fortunate in life. It’s going to be one comprised of petty complaints from someone who, by all accounts, has to be considered privileged in life. The purpose is rather a personal catharsis through ventilation of feelings that have occupied my mind for quite some time. And at the very least I hope that it will resonate with readers who can identify themselves with these feelings.

There is a peculiar kind of heaviness that comes with feeling mediocre. You find yourself stuck in between the sharp sting of failure and the ecstatic rush of triumph. Mediocrity is neither celebrated nor criticized. It merely floats, unrecognizably, in the periphery of significance.

I often ask myself whether people realistically are able to change behavioral patterns. Usually I manage to distract myself from drawing any conclusions, as I fear the answer would further cement the bitter feeling of impotence towards my own life.

Given my Swedish middle-class upbringing one might ask, what burdens could you possibly have had to struggle with? The answer is as bleak as the meaning of the word itself - mediocrity.

I once overheard someone make a claim that has been echoing inside my head throughout my adult life - Only the middle-class is so fixated on maintaining an image towards their surroundings, as they are the only ones who desperately seek upward mobility while simultaneously fearing association with the lower classes. The idea of this hyperconsciousness spoke directly to me, since I believe it’s precisely this mechanism that has shaped my attitude towards life.

I want to be a success so miserably, but fear rejection and non-fulfilment too much to actually pursue it. I realize that this feeling may not be particularly unheard of. Yet, I can’t help but feel that the people in my surroundings aren’t as paralyzed by it as I am.

Don’t get me wrong - I do believe I have strengths and skills. It’s just that I feel incapable of employing them in real life. And though I believe I have the capacity to feel passionate about certain things in life, the feelings never seem to last long enough for me to follow through with actions.

This isn’t to say my life is tragic, or even pointless. I have friends and a partner who seem to enjoy my company. I grew up in a safe environment, and have a healthy relationship with family members. I feel joy, and have never suffered from any severe mental illness - other than self-diagnosed apathy, possibly. And here, even I feel that I might have to show some gratitude, as I recognize that a conventional upbringing often fosters a stable and confident identity in a child.

It’s just that I’m so caught up in the modern narcissistic idea of being someone that it has resulted in me being incapable of doing things that I can be proud of.

In the social environment in which I grew up, eccentric personalities were sometimes valued but never fully embraced, and always kept at a distance. I think it was Dennis, the founder of Shoebox, who once said, Don’t you just hate how the average person from Stockholm praises the movie ’Trainspotting’, but views people struggling with addiction in real life as the scum of the earth?

And what’s even more pathetic is wanting to escape the feeling of insignificance, yet dismissing the idea of standing out as an act of conceit. As a result, you settle for a compromise — gravitating toward odd and exciting personalities, since you’ve never managed to stand out on your own.

I’m sure you’re already tired of these complaints. Still, I haven’t gotten to the worst part of this behaviour. The most despicable trait of mediocrity is the recurring feeling of envy and resentment towards others. More often than not you take a sceptical stance whenever you’re presented with the results of other people’s creativity. Sometimes it falls short, when you can’t deny the distinct brilliance of a creation. This is what makes you feel the need to change your entire character.

But other times, your criticism gains traction and other people agree. That’s when you comfortably lean back. And dripping with self-satisfaction you feel pleased about abstaining from making an effort.