Under the Layers: A Body’s Dialogue

“I wrote this poem today, inspired by yesterday’s beach day... it starts funny, then it really resembles pain...

So,
Today, I woke up with a clear mind... 

Today, I woke up and held a pen...

Today, I woke up and wondered...

What is art? What is it like to be an artist? 

What is self-love? What is it like to love me? 

What is life? And how is it like to be?

Am I the only one who gets insecure about her ass every time I go to the beach?

Is it because my mom used to always comment on it? Is it because of that stranger who grabbed it on the bus when I was 13? Is it because I couldn’t defend myself? Is it because I didn’t own my body?

“You’re so beautiful!”, I remember a friend telling me how beautiful I am...

I shrink inside... Why can’t I believe that I’m beautiful?

Is it because my mom used to always push me to put some makeup on, because “no one likes dark circles, you look like a drug addict.”... but I really looked like an ordinary teenager.

Is it because I had freckles and my family never liked them?

Is it because of the amount of times my mom forced me to cut a bang just to look better?

I take a sip of my coffee, I take a long breath and I ask you all to take a long breath with me...

I asked myself why I always push love back. Why do I refuse it, attack it and even run away from it? Why can’t I accept people to love me as I love them?

Is it because love has always been conditioned? Limited? Mixed with anger, abuse, and avoidance? Maybe!!!

Is it because, “Finish your plate, so I can love you”?

Is it because, “Don’t wear black, you’re not 60, so I can love you?”

Is it because, “say sorry, so i can love you?”

Is it because, “Don’t cut your hair, so I can love you”?

Is it because, “Don’t choose your style, your hobbies, your life, so i can love you”?

Is it because, “As long as you’re living under that roof, I own you, obey this... so I can love you?”

Is it because of years of your satisfaction and years of my dissatisfaction, so i can earn that fucking love?

But i did all of that, i did everything; i didn’t wear black, i said sorry for a reason and no reason, i still do, i didn’t cut my hair, i didn’t have a style, i ate everything, i didn’t have friends, i studied what you wanted, i didn’t do the things that make me happy, i didn’t live but i also couldn’t die.

Do you see? You didn’t even let me make my decision to end this life...

I also put some makeup on, I finished my plate, I took that hit, the word, that scream, and that 

“DON’T TOUCH ME”...

That hit of four red fingers on my face, i don’t see it now but i still feel it...

That word felt like a sword in the middle of my heart; no one removed that sword, I kept bleeding and no one removed it yet... I still have that sword in the middle of my heart, it doesn’t hurt anymore but some nights, I hear the echo of your voice again and my heart bleeds till dawn.

That avoidance taught me that trying to love another human is a vulnerable state I shouldn’t be in because you avoided me when I came up as love in the form of a human...and you still didn’t love me...

They say, “your parents will love you unconditionally”...but I didn’t see the love and it wasn’t unconditional...

They also say that “light finds its way out only through the cracks of our soul”, but I’m full of light, I’m glowing, I’m shining, I’m blooming, I’m a beam of light, I’m a meadow of white flowers...

Beautiful, right?

Imagine how many crackers I have in my soul... 

but that’s also beautiful!”